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(Kim, make sure you don't read this, as it will ruin the surprise)

My wife's birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks. I generally do a decent job at presents (how many other guys do you know that got their wife a trebuchet?), but I decided I needed some help, and went on over to FindMeAGift.com. Let'ssee what they recommend, shall we?

Body Fat Monitor

Yes, there's nothing that makes a girl happier than a gift that says, “you're carrying around a few too may pounds”. While you're at it, why not get her a copy of this book:

That will really finish off the evening right.

I don't think I'm going to be buying any of these, though giving the home DNA profiling kit is sure to make her wonder about your intentions.