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by Joe Grossberg.
Original Post: Rachel Lucas is Back. And Snarky.
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And single (amicably divorced and dating a really nice guy, she reassures us).
Rachel Lucas, who was one of my blogging mentors before her hiatus (got me writing about politics, convinced me to do the Blogger-Movable Type switch), is back blogging again.
Truth be told, I've moved on in some ways (I don't consider reading political rants to be fun any more), but she's still opinionated and witty.
How To NOT Sound Like a Total Dillwad on the Personals:
2. Do not claim that you love to do "anything outdoors." Unless you really mean it, in which case I have a ditch that needs to be dug.
5. Don't tell us what your friends think of you. "My friends consider me to be honest, loyal, and fun to be around." What? NO WAY. You must be totally awesome if your FRIENDS think you're a decent person.
6. Do not say, "I love to have a good time." Nuh-UH!! Marry me please, because I just can't meet ANYONE who loves to have a good time. What an unusual quality for a human being.
11. Much like #6, do yourself a huge favor and don't say that you "enjoy life." Because, again, NO SHIT. We are all going to go ahead and assume you do, in fact, enjoy life, even if you don't point out such. You may as well tell us that you are glad you can breathe and you don't want to die.
12. This the most important thing of all: LEARN HOW TO SPELL. Especially - I cannot stress this enough - if in your profile, you claim to prefer "smart" women. Because the thing about smart women is, they are wholly repulsed by guys who write like third graders.
17. Do not say that you wish to find a mate with a sense of humor. Come on. Think it through. I'm repeating myself here, but...NO SHIT? You don't want someone with NO sense of humor? Huh. What a rare creature you are.
And, for the ladies:
2. Don't use any variation of the statement, "I'm just as comfortable in a ballcap or in an evening gown." Whoever originally invented that basic sentence might have thought they were clever but that was about 500 years ago and now it's one of the most egregious cliches imaginable. If you enjoy both casual and formal activities, just say that; don't try to be precious about it.
5. For the love of all that is holy, erase from your repertoire the phrases "down-to-earth" and "girl next door". Yes dear, you and about forty million other chicks. What does it even MEAN? Frankly, maybe I should just make a list of all the bad cliches and leave it at that. The thing about cliches is they tell you absolutely nothing useful except that the person who's using them is unable to come up with a better and more enlightening way of describing themself; in other words: BORING. You're a nice, normal girl? That's great but don't resort to these stupid phrases - make an effort to describe what you think and what you like in detail. It's what I did and I got an avalanche of mail.
6. Don't say anything like, "I'm sick of jerks." It brings into question your decision-making skills: the only way you could be so sick of jerks is because you've been involved with many of them. Also, trust me, regular guys KNOW that there are lots of jerks out there. They know this because they spend 99% of their time trying to make up for it. Coming right out with the "no more jerks!" thing is tantamount to announcing that you're hypersensitive to any sort of questionable behavior, that you're going to put unnecessary pressure on any new guy to be perfect, that you're a jerk magnet...basically, nothing good is going to come out of it. Imagine if half the mens' profiles said, "I'm sick of whiny bitches." Not exactly sexy.
9. Don't call yourself a "princess". You're not seven years old, toots. I don't know if men will agree with me on this, but it seems to me that the kind of woman who will say out loud she wants to be treated like a princess is going to be the worst kind of high-maintenance, demanding, black hole of neediness imaginable.
10. Be honest. Don't describe yourself as average if you're overweight (and don't forget, there are plenty of men who like the extra weight and they might not contact you if you're just average). Don't claim to have done "some modeling" unless you do in fact resemble Gisele Bundchen. Don't say you're "easy-going" if in reality you're jealous and possessive. I've heard such horror stories lately about online dating and they all come down to this point. Trust me, it's always better for a new guy to have expectations about you that are low enough to enable you to impress him on many levels, rather than have yourself built up as the perfect woman and turn out to be a lazy crazy slob just like the rest of us.
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